Random Rant #1
I went shopping with my mommy today. I looked high and low for clothes that were modest, trendy and plus size. FAIL. It became super depressing because I've gained so much weight since being diagnosed. I'm at my largest. Le sigh. But if that wasn't bad enough, I ran a quick errand with my dad and I told him about my clothes fail today. I told him how excited I was to be done with the steroids, Humira and all the medication because of all the weight gain they caused. He proceeded to say "That's what I told your mom."
WAIT... So y'all were discussing my weight gain behind my back? I'm so fed up with that. I know when my jeans are too small or my top is too tight. I'm aware that I've gained weight. DUH! I know they are concerned but I couldn't help but to gain weight. I barely eat and my mom makes a comment about everything I eat. It's quite depressing. It's either she is talking about what I'm eating in reference to my Crohn's or my weight.
Then my dad will comment about what I'm eating in reference to my Crohn's. Then my sister will make snide remarks about what I eat in reference to my Crohn's.
EHHHHHHHHH!!!
I'm trying over here but I gain weight because of steroids and because I'm so sick I lay around most of the day. So even though I consume less than 1000 calories on average, I don't burn more than that. Hence, the weight gain.
Another difficult part about gaining this weight is that I've been super broke... So I don't have any clothes that fit. People look at my parents house and assume that we are balling or something. LE SIGH. First off, whatever money that The Johnson Family has belongs to Stephen and Phyllis- not me. Secondly, my parents are getting older and trying to save for retirement. Third, I don't ask my parents for anything because they pay so much for my medical expenses. Every month they pay at least $200 for my doctors appointments (that doesn't include procedures, medication, hospitalizations, etc.)
Being sick has given me a new appreciation for some things. This past winter I was so cold because I didn't have any jeans that fit. I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything because I didn't have clothes for it. I can't imagine how children deal with this. Now, it's getting hot and I don't have any clothes that fit.
Ehhh. I'm aware that this is temporary. I'll get healthier, get a job, enroll in graduate school and reclaim my swagger. ;)
Don't get me wrong, every once in a while my mommy will buy me a cardigan or dress and my sister purchased me two pair of jeans BUT it's nothing like being able to look in your closet and have more than four options. And don't forget to do the wash.
I cannot tell a lie. I get a little annoyed with people who don't work and they are healthy. I get annoyed with people who quit their jobs because it doesn't suit them anymore. I get really annoyed with people who pay for their things and look at me like "You live in that big house, you straight."
It's taught me a lot. I don't expect handouts from people. I never have. I have just noted that I would be at the last of people's list to get one. It's made me want to give more. Well, the Christian in me wants to give more. My flesh is more so telling me to be selective with my giving. It's a constant battle.
I've also noted that since gaining all this weight, some of y'all smaller girls are RUDE or insensitive. I've noticed people posting stuff about working out so they don't get fat. Like, why does being fat have to be repulsive to you? I've noticed people who make comments about how guys don't want someone who is overweight, or friends don't let friends get fat... Well I guess I'll just be single and friendless. -_-
My "fatty" flesh has always wanted to retaliate and comment on their looks because I can always lose weight but you'll always be ugly. (RUDE) But then I realize that these people are just ignorant. They don't understand and if I retaliate then they will probably never understand.
I would love to eat mostly fruits and veggies but if I do, I'll end up in the hospital. I would love to workout, but I used all that energy brushing my teeth.
Random Rant #2
I've learned so much about friends and what that word truly means. People will call you a friend but then when they don't see you around anymore because you are home sick, they don't visit.
I used to be hard on myself because I felt like I let my friends down because I was sick and couldn't hang. But now I look at it like, they aren't my friends. Is it really that much of an inconvenience to visit someone who is sick? It isn't. It just isn't your priority. And that's ok. I'll still be there if you get sick because I know how it feels to be alone and sick. It honestly sucks.
This year has been particularly hard for me because I was getting healthier and then I got really sick again. Overall, no one has really reached out. Even my close friends have distanced themselves. I guess when I'm healthier, I'm supposed to come around like all is well. -_- I probably will because that's just who I am but it still sucks. People become so consumed with their own lives that the chronically ill are forgotten except by their loved ones.
I used to be worried about friendships but now I don't. If you genuinely want to be my friend, then you will.
This past year has taught me so much. It has made me a much stronger person. It's shown me that I will have lonely seasons where I can only rely on God because man will fail everytime. It's taught me to continue being the compassionate person that I was before I was diagnosed. It's taught me that guarding my heart doesn't just necessarily mean from men but from people who don't have my best interest at heart. I've learned that I have to think I'm beautiful regardless of my weight, my hair turning gray and falling out, my skin breaking out or anything.
I'm done ranting... for now.
No comments:
Post a Comment