01.17.2014

I’ve been struggling with my health for years now.  I would have to say since 2006.  But it was always brushed under the rug by others as me being lazy or dramatic.  I would suffer some of the worst abdominal pain known to man and I couldn’t function but people would assume that I just did not want to get out of bed.  Now, I have been in bed since 2011.  I have been confined to my room since 2011.  WOW.  Now, I am not saying that I do not ever get out or that I did not do anything since 2011 BUT I have not had a great quality of life since then.  I would sometimes cry out to God and ask WHY or HOW LONG am I supposed to endure this?  Some days I would get frustrated because people would not understand that I could not function.  The medicines were not working, the hospital visits were getting too expensive, I was failing classes, the doctors kept saying that I was in remission, my family was acting as if they were fed up, I was trying my best to stay positive… man, was I trying. 

I come from a pretty decent family.  I have a mom, a dad, and two sisters.  My parents have been together for 30 years.  College was expected and the bill was [pretty much] footed by my parents.  Cars were purchased for me.  I have an arsenal of clothes.  Financially, God has kept us.  But then I took on this burden and I got overwhelmed.  I am still overwhelmed.

See, I’m trying to overcome the mentality of being sick [because I am still sick and I might be sick for the rest of my life] and I thought I had no help. 

My mother had brain surgery in June of last year but she had been dealing with the issues for a few years so I did not want to burden her with my medical bills.  So now, 2014 is the year of fixing my credit.  LE SIGH. A lot of people tell me to just leave it alone and let the medical bills stay on there because these hospitals are wrong [blah, blah, blah] but see the way my integrity is set up, I can’t do that.  I have to straighten these bills out and pay what I owe.   Also, when I was a little girl she had five strokes, bacterial meningitis, was in a coma, and was blind and as soon as that was over she bounced back and raised us [wonderfully, I might add].  So, sometimes I feel as if she does not quite understand me being on an extended rest.

My father, well, I feel for him.  He has sickness surrounding him with my mother and myself and still has to provide for our family in a ROUGH economy [mind you, he has been in real estate since 2002 ::we have had some financially rough years but God has kept us::].  My mother was ill and I am still sick.  He does take me to my doctor’s appointments [he takes me most of the time because he has the flexibility in his schedule, whereas my mother does not]. 

My sister, Stephie, she is just amazingly different.  I do not know how else to put it.  She is an up and coming attorney and I do not believe that she likes the hospital at all [not even visiting].  She is a fighter though.  I will never forget the time that I was in ICU after surgery.  The charge nurse told her that per hospital policy she could not spend the night but I wanted her to spend the night [I had not seen her in a long time because she was away at law school, I was scared because it was my first time being in ICU, the charge nurse was very mean to me and I was in a lot of pain].  Well, long story short, Stephie spent the night.  She found some loophole.  She is a fighter.  But she has her own life that she has to live.

So… back to me, Brie.  I have to figure out how to make it out of bed every single day, deal with pain and work out how to deal with professors, medical personnel, fellow Christians, creditors, etc.  It is really taxing and sometimes depressing.  I always felt like I was alone doing this and I cannot lie, I do still feel alone sometimes. 

But late 2013, like December late, I had a “eureka moment.”  I’m not in this alone.  HOW RUDE OF ME TO EVEN THINK THAT.  GOD has had me throughout this whole ordeal!  HE’s had me when they diagnosed me with Crohn’s disease.  HE’s had me when none of the medicine was working and they wanted to do surgery.  HE’s had me when no one in my family wanted me to have the surgery.  HE’s had me when they found the cancerous tumor during my surgery.  HE’s had me when I realize I owe these doctors only about $6,000. HE’s had me when I’ve dealt with these professors at UGA.  HE’s had me and HE still does. 

As a little girl we had this little picture with a poem on it and the back had a wind up music box.  It was the Footprints in the Sand poem.  I used to LOVE that thing!  I would wind it up and read the poem over and over again.  Oh, that childhood innocence.    

I’m not through this storm yet and I do not know when it will be over but I find comfort in knowing that the same God that Abraham served is my God.  I find strength in knowing that the same God that delivered the Israelites from Egypt is my God.  I find peace in the same God that brought Joseph from the pit to the palace is my God.  Whew, y’all… we are blessed beyond measure. 

The following are some of my favorite verses to recall when I feel like I don’t have the strength to go on.

Psalm 46:10 “Be still, and know that I am God.  I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!” 

A lot of people think that this verse means that God wants you to rest and take your time and be easy but I believe that this verse is God proclaiming who He is!  No matter the circumstances surrounding us, God’s will will be done.  I find comfort in knowing that if my life here on earth NEVER gets better, one day I’ll be able to be in His presence and worship Him and honestly, that’s enough. 

Psalm 28:7-8 “⁷ The LORD is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him.  ⁸ The LORD is the strength of his people; he is the saving refuge of his anointed.” 

Isaiah 40:30-31 “³⁰ Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; ³¹ but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; the shall walk and not faint.”

Honestly though, do you know that God has you?  Do you know that God is your Provider [Jehovah-Jireh]?  Do you know that God is your Healer [Jehovah-Rapha]?  People, we have a choice to make.  We can choose to honor, obey and love a sovereign God through it all or we can weep, mope, and wallow in our current circumstances.  I’ve made my choice.  I love my ETERNAL DADDY!  I’ll choose to find comfort in HIS sovereignty!  I’ll choose joy over the despair.  HE HAS GOT ME! 

Coram Deo,

Brie J.