I was diagnosed with Crohns Disease on April 20th 2011 but I had been suffering with these symptoms for years before then. I think it really started acting up my junior year in high school and just got progressively worse. Honestly, the jury is still out on if I have Crohns Disease or not. None of the medicine seems to work but that's a different rant for a different day.
I had dreams. I had goals. I had the drive and determination to accomplish those goals and reach those dreams. By now I was supposed to have my own classroom, have my masters, have lived abroad, etc.
Now before the saints go marching... I know that God has a plan for my life and everything will be done in His perfect timing but I'm frustrated with the pain. I'm in like this time warp, this crazy wormhole. Time is passing and I'm still in the same place.
How do I get out of it? How do I progress? Where do I get the motivation from?
I know what needs to be done to get my degree conferred from the University of Georgia. I know what needs to be done in order to lose weight. I know what needs to be done in order to move out of my parents house. I know what needs to be done in order to get a job.
But where do I get the motivation from? It's like I can start my day knowing that I have things to accomplish and then my body betrays me. I get tired. Either physically or mentally. But I get tired. I give up. Either my body tells me it's done or my mind thinks of a million other things that I could be doing with my energy.
Energy is scarce. At least in my world.
I want to give up. I really do. Some days I want to throw in the towel. But I can't. I've got to overcome this. I can beat this. I have to beat this. This is my life. I only get this one chance.
How do I fix this? Where do I begin? Lord, help me and give me strength.
Y'all, it's amazing how much progress I've made since 2011 but I still have a long way to go. I get out of bed every single day now. That might not seem huge but for a few years, it was a difficult task. But simple things, like making it to church every Sunday, cleaning my room, going grocery shopping or even cooking a meal are still major tasks.
Well, today is the day that I'm done being defined by my illness. I'm not going to focus on what I can't do. I am going to focus on strong to the next season in my life. I don't know how to get the energy or motivation to advance but I'm gonna figure this out. Even if I'm sick for the rest of my life, I want to know how to function with this disease.
Anyways, until next time.
Brittanie-Claire
PS Maybe by this time next year I'll have my own classroom and be a certified teacher... Or maybe I'll be in graduate school... Or maybe I'll be in a certification program... :)
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