03.30.2014

I have accomplished absolutely nothing today. I woke up without spoons. All I've done today was eat breakfast and watch Netflix in bed. I tried to sit on the couch and watch television but I was too tired to sit there. Le sigh. 

I just have no energy today. I wanted to go to church but that didn't work out either. I didn't wake up. I guess that doesn't matter because I didn't have the energy to get ready or drive there. 

So yeah, now I'm at home. Chilling. Watching Netflix. Well, Netflix is watching me. 

I want to go to the gym tomorrow and do the 9:00 am Aquafit (waterobics) class but I have an appointment with my Pain Specialist at 8:30 am. 

I'm a little excited about my doctors appointment because I'm out of medication right now. I scheduled the appointment five days later than what my prescription would last. -_-

It's whatever now. 

On the bright side, I've been cleaning up my room and it's really coming along. :) That might not seem like much to y'all but anything that requires energy takes a lot out of me. 

I should be done with my room this week and also, I can turn in the first round of my overdue schoolwork this week as well. :D 

Also, I've been doing the 90 Day a Bible Challenge with Bear and Jaleesa and it's quite interesting. I'm in Job right now and it's opening my eyes a lot about struggle. A lot of times when hardship comes our way, we wonder why or what did we do? And sometimes it is just a piece of God's holy and perfect plan. 

I'm going to blog more about that later (when I have the energy). 

Love y'all much! 

03.28.2014

Did I say I was going to be transparent?

Well, I guess I will be then.

Life is so hard for me right now.  I'm stuck in this rut.

I am at a place where I am so depressed.

It's ridiculous.  It blows.  I can't get out of it... not on my own.

I am at a place where I can only rely on God.

Everyone else around me is so consumed with what they are going through, their struggles or their success that they don't see me drowning.

But I am.

I want people to care like I would care about them but it seems to be asking for too much.

EVERYONE around me has their own "major" issues.

I hear people complain about their job, their finances, their relationships, etc. and I sit back and think about my health.

I'm stuck right where I am until God sends relief.  

When? 

I don't know.

But I'll be here.  Praying.  Praising.  Waiting.

03.25.2014 (After I Woke Up)

My eyes hurt. My stomach hurts. Ehh. 

My stomach hurt when I first woke up but like an idiot I grabbed chips and dip for breakfast instead of a banana or an Ensure. So now my stomach hurts even more and I'm nauseated. 

Good job, Brittanie-Claire. 

You are officially done eating for the day. Wait, we are having salmon for dinner. I love salmon. (Note: work on self control) 

I want to clean my room today. That's the goal. I feel like if I have a clean room then I can have a clean headspace. 

My room looks like... crap. I have clean clothes tossed everywhere. I have empty water bottles and pill containers thrown about. My crafting supplies and paperwork are the only organized things. Shrugs. 

I need a clean room so that I can begin to do work in here. I can't have a quiet time in here because it isn't a quiet space. My room yells "clean me, clean me" whenever I begin to do something else. 

Why do my eyes hurt? Is it because I didn't get enough sleep? I was up really late and then my dog wakes up at 6:30am to go use the restroom. Then after that, she doesn't want to calm back down. Right now, she sleeps in my room. In my bed. As of tonight, she sleeps in her playpen. I have to eliminate the early morning distractions if I am to accomplish anything. 

Stephanie will have a fit. She'll explain that Izzi doesn't like sleeping in her playpen. Then Stephanie will suggests that Izzi can sleep with her. But that's never long term. I need a permanent solution for this. 

Why do my eyes hurt? Is it because I'm allergic to dogs? Yeah, it might be. I found out a few weeks ago that I am highly allergic to dogs. Sucks to suck because I already have a dog. 

I'm late but I'll take my morning medication and then see if I can function better. In the meantime, hello netflix. 

03.25.2014

Today is the day. I'm so overwhelmed. I've been dealing with this illness for some years now. Man, these three years have flown by since I've been diagnosed and I haven't made enough progress. I'm so frustrated. I've gained weight. (A lot of weight) I've lost my drive. I'm dependent on medication. It royally sucks. 

I was diagnosed with Crohns Disease on April 20th 2011 but I had been suffering with these symptoms for years before then. I think it really started acting up my junior year in high school and just got progressively worse. Honestly, the jury is still out on if I have Crohns Disease or not. None of the medicine seems to work but that's a different rant for a different day. 

I had dreams. I had goals. I had the drive and determination to accomplish those goals and reach those dreams. By now I was supposed to have my own classroom, have my masters, have lived abroad, etc. 

Now before the saints go marching... I know that God has a plan for my life and everything will be done in His perfect timing but I'm frustrated with the pain. I'm in like this time warp, this crazy wormhole. Time is passing and I'm still in the same place. 

How do I get out of it? How do I progress? Where do I get the motivation from? 

I know what needs to be done to get my degree conferred from the University of Georgia. I know what needs to be done in order to lose weight. I know what needs to be done in order to move out of my parents house. I know what needs to be done in order to get a job. 

But where do I get the motivation from? It's like I can start my day knowing that I have things to accomplish and then my body betrays me. I get tired. Either physically or mentally. But I get tired. I give up. Either my body tells me it's done or my mind thinks of a million other things that I could be doing with my energy. 

Energy is scarce. At least in my world.  

I want to give up. I really do. Some days I want to throw in the towel. But I can't. I've got to overcome this. I can beat this. I have to beat this. This is my life. I only get this one chance. 

How do I fix this? Where do I begin? Lord, help me and give me strength. 

Y'all, it's amazing how much progress I've made since 2011 but I still have a long way to go. I get out of bed every single day now. That might not seem huge but for a few years, it was a difficult task. But simple things, like making it to church every Sunday, cleaning my room, going grocery shopping or even cooking a meal are still major tasks. 

Well, today is the day that I'm done being defined by my illness. I'm not going to focus on what I can't do. I am going to focus on strong to the next season in my life. I don't know how to get the energy or motivation to advance but I'm gonna figure this out. Even if I'm sick for the rest of my life, I want to know how to function with this disease. 

Anyways, until next time.

Brittanie-Claire 

PS Maybe by this time next year I'll have my own classroom and be a certified teacher... Or maybe I'll be in graduate school... Or maybe I'll be in a certification program... :) 

03.18.2014

Update on my life: These past few weeks have been extremely difficult for me. I was feeling a lot better in January and then my health declined again. Le sigh. 

The crazy thing is that my Crohns is definitely in remission so my doctors haven't been able to figure out where all the abdominal pain is coming from. So I am now dealing with an ob/GYN doctor. I even had an ultrasound. 

No, I'm not pregnant. They just want to see if I have endometriosis like my mommy. 

Anyways... I have a boyfriend. Ssshhh, don't tell my parents because they are CRAZY about me dating. (Lol. They know about him).  But his name is Bear, well his name is Victor but I call him Bear. He lives in Florida. 

He doesn't smile much. :( lol. But he laughs a lot. :) He is courting me. ::wink wink:: He loves God. And yeah, that's all y'all need to know... for now. 

I'll tell y'all more about him later. 

Wanna see what he got me for Valentine's Day? 

It was definitely the best Valentine's Day ever. He really put a lot of thought into my gift because I love 🌻sunflowers🌻, adore mason jars and what girl doesn't love chocolate? 

Also, he recently got me a just because gift. Which is really sweet because that is one of my biggest love languages. Her name is Rain Johnson (when Bear and I get married, she will take his last name as well). 

Stephie and I went down to Augusta, GA for a nice weekend trip. I actually really love that city and would love to live there someday. (Well, any small southern city would do). We took a picture with the life size statue of James Brown. (That man was SHORT). This was one of the craziest trips ever because it tested us. Our hotel gave away our already paid for room. -_-  The Holy Spirit was working in my sister and I that night because we didn't curse anyone out. I actually prayed about it. That's some serious growth right there. So we didn't get accommodations until about 2:30am thanks to another hotel that was able to accommodate us. But I got to bond with my sister and prayerfully, we will get to go on more weekend trips together. 

Excuse the swollen face (Prednisone/moon face) but that's my bestie (Jaleesa... I call her DJ) and I after church on February 16th. I really enjoy her company because she has always been a supportive friend that I can be myself around. And watching her grow in Christ has been inspiring me. I love growing on this journey together!!! I honestly could cry telling y'all about how this girl has had my back through everything since 2008. The funny thing is we went to middle school and high school together but we didn't start hanging out until college. I don't know how I made it through middle and high school without her. 

Anyways, I don't really have any complaints about life right now. Well, I do. Can I share it with you?

I'm discontent with my season. I'm so fed up with being sick.  I want to be kingdom busy. I want to have my own classroom and teach the kids. I want to be healthy. But... I'm just not healthy right now. So I devote my time to learning more about Christianity, working on my relationship with God and figuring out my health. I'm just ready!!!! Lol. 

Anyways, praise God for everything I'm going through because it's preparing me for the next season or the season after that. I just want Him to have His will in my life. 

Talk to you later. 

Love y'all! 

Brittanie-Claire 

03.01.2014

It's the first of the month...

I start my juice fast today. Well... probably tomorrow. Why? Because I didn't prepare for this fast. 

I returned my Omega Juicer because the auger kept getting jammed and I haven't purchased any Arden's Garden juices. 

I'm completing this Juice Fast by purchasing fresh Arden's Garden juices twice or three times a week. I don't have the energy to juice for myself yet so I'm content with this decision. I'll be getting my juice directly from the Arden's Garden store and not the grocery store because grocery store juice must be pasteurized. 

Yes, this is expensive. No, I'm not excited about that. 

Let me know if you want to donate to the cause. ::wink wink::

Why am I doing a juice fast? 

>>> I'm fed up with being sick. Everything I eat hurts my intestines. Everything.  I want to give my digestive tract a break. It needs one. It deserves one. 

>>> I want to get rid of the idol of food. I idolize food. I love to cook, bake and eat. I adore grocery shopping. I enjoy entertaining guests and allowing them to taste my food. I put food on a pedestal and after reading "gods at war" by Kyle Idleman, I need to destroy the idol of food. 

>>> My Crohn's Disease has not been in remission since I was diagnosed. The top medication isn't working. I don't wish to have another surgery. And honestly, it's time to close this chapter. The pain is unbearable. I refuse to continue with pain medication because I don't want to be addicted. And I want to start in my profession ::education:: within the next year. 

>>> I want to lose weight. I want my skin to glow. I want my hair to grow. :) I've seriously heard that people can aesthetically benefit from a juice fast as well. 

What are some complications that I believe will arise? 

>>> I live at home with three people and a dog. They happen to eat food. I won't be eating food. See the problem? 

>>> Fellowships... Have you ever noticed that Christians tend to do everything centered around food? I don't think I'll be able to attend a church function or bible study during this time. :( 

>>> Self-control. This will honestly be a hard thing for me to do. I don't want to give myself excuses as to why I cannot juice fast. Unless my doctors says that it is dangerous for me to juice fast (they encourage it) then I don't have a reason to not do it. 

>>> Easter Sunday: Self-Explanatory. 

Is this a legit fast? 

Yes! This is a legit fast. During this time I will be seeking God like never before. I won't really be broadcasting that part of the fast because it's very personal. But I will be broadcasting the health part of my fast. Some fellow chronically ill people can benefit from my health journey. 

Besides juice fasting, over the next 60 days, I will be... working out four times a week, spending time with The King several times a day, journaling about my progress daily, cleaning up my room and my life, getting this degree from UGA, applying to graduate school and teacher jobs, trying alternative and holistic medicine, cutting down on science fiction shows, volunteering with church (The Gathering Oasis and the body of Christ) and the Crohn's and Colitis Foundation of America, helping my mommy with housework, helping my daddy with his businesses, perfecting the art of multimedia management, etcetera.