This year has been very difficult for me. I didn't progress in the areas that I wanted to. And quite honestly, I didn't feel like I progressed at all until my daddy pointed out that I've made major improvements.
Let's be honest. I wanted to be engaged by this point in my life. I wanted to be teaching and done with college. I wanted to be healthy and fit. Like, I don't even have a real social life at this point. I think that's what depresses me the most.
See, I went from being able to be out and about a few times a week to lacking the energy to go anywhere except the doctor. Then, if it wasn't bad enough that I lacked energy, I looked in the mirror and realized how much I've aged and how much weight I've gained. That really made me not want to go anywhere.
I've been diagnosed with a new disease this year and I feel like it's all my fault. I'm a diabetic because I messed up. I know that it's a combination of being too sick to get out of bed, steroids, diet and genetics but it still feels like my fault.
I lost a best friend this year. Ask me how? I really don't know. Well, I do. And I don't blame myself. For once, I don't blame myself. I was a good friend. I always told her the truth. And one day, telling the truth backfired. Shrugs. Would I still tell her the truth? Yep. Because if I'm your friend then that's what I do. I knew she was distancing herself because I could feel it but I also felt like it was because we lived in two separate cities now but I knew she wasn't even trying to be my friend when she graduated and didn't invite me. Was I hurt? Yep. Will I get over it? Yep. Next!
Eh. The stress of being pigeonholed. Y'all, my Crohns is cool. I mean, sometimes it acts up but I've been having a deep pelvic pain for a while now. Anyways, I feel like this is the area that I've made progress in. I've fought for answers because this isn't normal. My uterus shouldn't feel like it's in s boxing ring everyday. It's tired. I'm tired. I have exploratory surgery on the 17th to see what's going on. My biggest fear is that I don't be able to have kids. :( Le sigh. This is where the trusting God part kicks in. It's hard... Especially when I've had a rocky relationship with Him ever since I was "in a relationship" with Victor.
See, I realize that Victor is human but I expected more from a man of God. I just did. Maybe I expected too much. I don't know. I just got frustrated with God after that and I didn't pick up my bible for months. I was bitter. It seemed like the Christians I knew weren't like the ones I read about.
I was bitter because I was sick and at home. Did the Christians from church come visit? Nope. Do they visit now? Nope. But now I don't care if they visit me at home or in the hospital. It's lonely but now, I choose to cling to God for comfort and companionship. That's hard too but yeah, that's another topic for another day.
So yeah, 2014 has been a lonely year. I've learned that I have two real besties. I've learned to give God my time and let Him control my plans.
So career wise, I didn't make any progress. Socially, I didn't make any progress. BUT I'm making progress in terms of my health and I'm beginning to be okay with that.
Love y'all!
Brie🌻
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